i’ve always wanted a big family, tim and i use to talk about it as teenagers, him 16 me 17. lots of boys maybe 1 girl. after having cash, our oldest, 4 years ago, my number rose to 6 or 7. in the early days after having him i was on such a high. at home, in water, with my midwife, doula, and husband, cash was born enveloped in love, i wanted that love multiplied. we’ve gone on to have 2 beautiful daughters ilya honey 2 1/2 and rumi blue 1.
i never loved babysitting growing up, but deep in my heart i always knew that this would be my path. family.
tim and i both grew up in ontario, a smallish town called new hamburg. 10 years ago we married, 2 days later we flew to new zealand where we lived in a white toyota highace in the mountains and along the ocean. we covered the ceiling with giraffe printed carpet arriving in winter, our hope was to stay warm. i flew back to ontario 9 months later on my own, desperately hoping to make it before my grandma passed. i made it for the funeral not the emotional good-bye that i had dreamt up in my mind. i still carry a lot of grief and guilt. she visits me in my dreams which are never long enough or often enough.
tim took care of business and followed a few weeks behind. my grandpa had passed away 5 months earlier. it was a hard hit for our family to lose them both within such a small amount of time. my dad an only child my older bro the only grandson me, the only granddaughter. we were small. it felt like it cut our family in half once they were gone. it was solidified in me the need to pro-create not to replace them as individuals but to replace the love, replace the bodies, replace the blood.
we bought a pup. loaded our black jeep tj, and headed west. vancouver has been our home for the past 9 years. we often dream of moving deeper into the mountains, but also love the community we have built here in the city.
photo by joey armstrong