fight

update

a few sundays ago
bad night
dc up most of it
blood 
vomit
wondered if it was the beginning of the end
it's just the reality of our lives 
my best friend is gone
the dog i have known for the past 4 1/2 years no longer exists
some days are good
some are bad
things have stabilized, for now

i often find myself in situations
where fight or flight is starring me square in the eye
as a mama
fight or flight has different meaning
there is so much more involved
mainly another person
in my case
first a dog
then a babe
i have learned volumes because of dc
volumes

two voices
either shoulder
fight 
flight
fight 
flight
expectations
guilt

once and a while i fight
mainly with my own demons
and at times i have fled
my first response
it's in my blood

when dc was in the thick of things back in september
my whole being wanted to flee
sitting in animal emerge
hours passed
tim outside with dc because there was too much blood
i can't tell you
everything inside of me screamed flee
and i suppose in my own little way 
i did

go
run 
now
you can't do this
you're not strong enough
your poor dog is bleeding uncontrollably and all you're doing is sitting here 
pretending to read a magazine
while nothing but selfish thoughts go through your mind
what's wrong with you?
it's hard
yes it's hard
but pull yourself together
have courage..

i fought my own demons that night 
stuck it out
stayed with him as long as they allowed
although many tears were shed in his presence 
full on pregnant
i remember telling the vet
"it's just hormones"

..

bonding over wallpaper and cold coffee
a woman came into my life
simply for a day
she had her own story
we all do
but what she said stuck with me
the best thing i can do for dc is pretend like nothing is wrong
he doesn't know any different
he will pick up on my energy

what would i do if one day God forbid we have to put dc down?
what would my energy be like?
would i be selfish and flee?
or would i stay with him and fight?
things haven't been easy lately
dealing with the aftermath of bad nights
trying to get to know this "new dc" 
missing the old one

tim and i are dealing with things in our own ways
both doing the best we can

i clean
i breathe
i do yoga
for myself and for my family
and mostly i pray for the courage to fight
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