chain of events and the timing of when cash entered the world

sunday september 21 '08 5am
notes from my morning pages/stream-of-consciousness

"i am so tired but i can't sleep. i stopped writing this week, on purpose i'm sure. we got some of dc's 
results back. wasn't the news i wanted. going to canada west on tuesday. it's a cancer centre.
they're saying they think he may have bone cancer in his nose. a growth or a tumour or something. i am so 
worried and stressed out about the whole thing, i  don't even know what to write. i don't really want to write 
anything because it becomes more real. i don't want this to be real. i want this all to be a big mistake and 
to just go away. i really pray he doesn't have any pain. i love him so much. Father, heal him. please, i pray 
this wouldn't be what it seems. may we trust You and may You guide us. i should maybe try and get some more sleep. 
oh i am stressed Lord, shower me with peace. tim too. dc too"

tuesday sept 23 i went to canda west for a consultation

wednesday tim interupted my yoga class 
dc's nose would not stop bleeding 
we went to emergency

thursday dc was put under and had a CTscan 

friday we went to see our midwife, she confirmed my water had broke that week 
most likely thursday

saturday sept 27 1:32pm cash was born

tuesday september 30 found out dc had cancer 

still healing from birth, naked, sobbing, tim crying too 
why was this happening?
we held each other for a long time
i needed to pull myself together 
we had a little one now 
i needed to live for him, to give him all of me not just part of me  

it's the reality of our lives 
i'm slowly learning to accept 'what is'

the cancer centre suggested chemotherapy and radiation down in washington state
he would need to be there for 40 days at a time 
in a kennel 
he would lose his eye sight in his right eye and if lucky the treatment would give him an extra six months 
i would do anything for dc, it just did not seem right

thursday oct 2 we started seeing a beautiful homeopath
he is in good hands
it feels right

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